Sexy Angel
by Naomi Wild
Summary: This is based on the Phantom of the opera. It relates to the Andrew Lloyd Webber film rather then the book. It is a BIT different from the book. You'll find some interesting twists. I hope you get a laugh out of it as I did.
1. Love Pool

There once was a girl.. cough oops I mean boy named raoul he liked to gallop through pansies in the spring and braid his long hair. He had a friend named Christine together they would yap about their pathetic lives together. They lost touch and didn't speak to each other again till one night at the opera house He heard her sing. He knew it was her. "Hey," he thought. "I could date her so people can stop calling me gay." So after the performance he tracked her down and annoyed her for a while. The whole time she talked about some angel. "What a whack job she is", he thought to himself."

After that pansy raoul left and finished combing his hair and adjusting his makeup the phantom called out to Christine

He sang: "Insulate girl…I mean boy, this slave of fashion, using your makeup,

Ignorant fool this long haired hippy, now way sharing in my triumph."

Then she replied: Angel I hear you speak I listen, save me from this he-she. Angel my stomach is weak forgive me if I puke. Enter at last master.

Phantom: Flattering child you shall know me see why in shadow I hide look at your face in the toilet I am there inside.

Christine: Angel of music guide and guardian. Grant to me your Glory. Angel of music Hide no longer come to me sexy man.

Then the phantom stuck a hand through the toilet and offered it to Christine, at first she looked at it like a piece of dung but then she held on tight to it as he flushed them both into a pool of love.

Christine looked around at the sewer they were in. "This is your home? How pathetic! Pieces of turd are floating all over!"

"Don't trial my patience," The Phantom replied angrily.

Then the backup singers popped out and started singing, "its fun to stay at the YMCA It's fun to stay at the YMCA!"

Erik (The Phantom) grunted and threw a candle at one of the singers, a LIT candle. He watched in amusement as the singer ran away in flames with arms flapping. The other singers just walked away behind him one girl sighed and said, "Not again".

"Is this you idea of romance?" Christine sneered.

Erik started to wonder what he had ever seen in this woman. Apparently she was more demanding and snappy then he thought.

"Fine," he replied. "They will be wanting you back anyways."


	2. Flying Bozos

After that Erik had been planning to send threats to the opera house owners and demand that Christine be lead singer in the next opera, Il Muto, but he figured the part of silent pageboy suited her best. She deserves a punishment. Then to tick her off he hanged a fat janitor and threw his dead body on stage in front of her. She was pretty mad after that and from then on it was a game on who could make the other the angriest. So she ran off with raoul and together they sang of love, teddy bears, and everything else fuzzy and annoying.

Raoul sings: I'm here, with you, beside you, to guard you and to guide you.

Christine: "shivers at the thought" "Oh that's comforting," she said sarcastically.

Raoul: You're safe No-one will find you; your fears are far behind you.

Christine: is now completely terrified that she is alone with this loser and runs away

On her way from running from pathetic Raoul Christine runs into Erik and almost knocks the wind out of herself in a conclusion from his hard bicep.

"Ignorant girl move your hand off the level of your eyes," Erik spat.

Christine kept on running, and fell down the stairs while doing so.

"Stupid gay Raoul still won't admit the phantom is real even though he threw a dead fat guy at me."


	3. Masquerade

Erik stood in front of the mirror and added the last touch of black makeup around his eyes. Then he put on his white mask. He was wearing a tight red uniform with a gold hem that showed off his biceps. He stood staring at his figure in front of the mirror. The mask and makeup made his face look like a skull. He looked evil and sexy. "I have a party I must attend. It simply wouldn't be the same without my presence," he said with an evil laugh.

Meanwhile, missure Andre and Firmin were doing their best to make sure the party went perfectly.

Firmin: "quite a night! I'm impressed", he says glaring at all the women passing him.

Everyone sings: Masquerade! This is Erik's grand parade! Masquerade! He's mine! I thought I told you! Masquerade! Get a way from my man!

A young girl stares at the backup singer with a matching dress next to her "What are you talking about he's my man!."

Then an old man walks in-between them before they are able to throw punches at each other and says calmly, "Ok, ok girls this is ridiculous. We all know he's mine."

Erik walks into room and you can hear the entire room gasp at the same time.

Erik: why so silent good monsieur's?

Most of the girls .. And a few guys have already passed out by now.

Raoul: Finally realizes the phantom is real and runs for his life

Erik: "Pulls out his sword." I've written a play for you. The main lady will be played by Christine Daee.

Christine: walks up to Erik mesmerized by his alluring sexiness.

Erik: "Oh yea oops forgot this part… yea and you," he says and points his sharp sword into Carlotta's boyfriend's stomach. "Lay off the donuts you peace of blub."

Carlotta: faints

Erik: disappears in a puff of smoke from his incredibly hot body.


	4. Pudding

Christine begged the phantom to let her go back to the opera house to prepare for the opera. She began to bug him so he led her back up to the surface after she got lost twice trying to find her way.

Erik: Wondering child, stop trying so hard to be a primadonna, you're the first lady of the stage anyway.

Raoul : "I have a plan, He is going to come to this play and since I'm too much of a wuss to face him myself you can shoot him on stage," he says shaking. He knew the phantom didn't like him and he knew the pudding fate that the phantom put upon his victims. Yes you heard me fate of the pudding. He uses such an evil substance, whoever thought of such a vile contaminant was insane for they did not know what fate they were to face before they met Erik's death by pudding.

Christine: Walks onto stage and leans down

Erik walks out holding his robe high above his face.

Erik sings: You have come here in pursuit of your deepest urge in pursuit of that wish witch till now has been silent I have brought you so that our dinner may fuse and burn. In your mind you've already come to me. No second helpings you've decided on pot roast.

Christine: rises and can barely stand without swaying. The room's temperature was slowly raising. She could feel sweat pouring down her face.

Christine: You have brought me to that moment when pork runs dry to that moment when Raoul disappears into silence (notions a movement suggesting Erik cutting Raoul's throat) I have come here hardly knowing the reason why… ok I'm lying…

Pass the point of Tax return no going back now our poverty has now at last begun.

Both Erik and Christine sing: Pass the point of Tax return

Erik: say you'll share with me one plate… one meatball. Lead me save me from my solitude. Say you'll want me here beside you; anywhere you eat let me eat to… Christine that's all I ask of you.

Christine: Is now overcome with The phantom " No way he is this hot this can't be real," she thought then ripped off his mask.

Everyone gasped and stared at what was revealed. Then there was silence


	5. Tax Return

The crowd stared in bewilderment. He was gorgeous! The left side was just as hot if not even hotter then the right side.

Erik seized Christine by the arm and led her back to his layer

Erik sings: Down once more to the dungeons of my black despair down once more to the crimson of my mind down we plunge down to darkness deep as hell (licks finger and sets it on his skin and you hear a sizzle)

Christine: swoons

Raoul: Is pushed into the set and when he regains his balance meets eyes with the phantom, terrified.

Erik: ah, I think my dear we have a guest. I had rather hoped that he would come. This is indeed an imperial delight.

Raoul screams and says with a quivering voice "help someone save me please!"

Erik: opens gate and seizes Raoul and forces him to chow down on his pudding of doom.

Raoul: Starts crying like a sissy as he grows fatter and fatter by the moment

"Christine I tried so hard to free you." He cried.

"Yea right!" Christine snapped.

Erik: This is the choice this is the point of Tax Return

Christine laughs bitterly "That." She says pointing a finger at Raoul, "Is too pathetic to even be considered a choice."

"That's it?" Erik asked a bit confused, then sighs.

"I was hoping this would be more of a challenge. I didn't even want you anyways."

Erik: looks around for someone more suitable and points to a brown haired, brown eyed tart from behind the camera. "You!" He practically yelled.

"Me?" The tart squeaked with excitement.

Erik grabbed the Tart by the waist and together they poofed in a cloud of dark smoke and they were never seen again.

It's over now the music of the Night

The End


End file.
